Recently someone called me vain and it made feel numb inside. According to Oxford’s dictionary, the word means having or showing excessively high opinion of one’s appearance, abilities or worth. When I heard it, I paused for a minute as I tried to figure out how someone’s opinion of me could be completely opposite of how I truly viewed myself. I started to think about my life. As a young girl, I felt so very ugly. Others were sure to let me know that they felt the same on many occasions. Certain words that family members used to defined made me question my mere existence. I remember as a teenager scrubbing my face to try to rid it of the pimples that puberty gifted me with. I remember scrubbing so hard one day that I turned completely red and my skin stung to the touch. I felt dirty. I would often walk to the local convenience store, sometimes several times a week to spend my earnings on face wash, blemish correctors and skin lighteners. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl with so many obvious imperfections. It affected my self-esteem in such a horrid way.
Sad to say, but there are moments now when I have to redirect my thoughts when looking in the mirror. I try to live a life that is good and positive. One that acknowledges my shortcomings so that I can embrace them. I still scrub my skin often, hoping remove the marks that draw attention to my blemished face.
But not just my face, in general, I would try to clear away the parts of me that others deemed unappealing. I worked harder. I pushed myself more so that when people seen me, they didn’t see the blemishes, instead they saw beauty, charisma and zest. It’s amazing how others opinions and perceptions of you can be the furthest from the truth. I’ve realized that no matter how much I scrub, how much I give or how hard I work, to some, I will never be good enough. They’ll never see me for who I really am. And I am still learning to be okay with that. In general, I wish that people could see how their words and actions affect others. We have to learn to have empathy.
Nowadays I laugh more than I cry. My healing came in realizing that I am enough. Understanding this concept was so liberating. I know that It’s easy to judge someone especially when you don’t know them well enough or how they really feel. But behind their smile is often a story of survival and a journey that you know nothing about.
Please be mindful and careful about how you treat others. Words hurt and negativity sting and you don’t know how hard people scrub their faces to wash away the dirt and blemishes that you contributed to before they go to sleep at night.
“Believe in yourself, your abilities and your own potential. Never let self-doubt hold you captive. You are worthy of all that you dream of and hope for.”
-Roy Bennett
